Healing is often as much about removing things that are not us, as it is about learning who we really are.  When new clients come to me for help, especially when they know they need something but they’re not sure what that is, one of the first questions I usually ask them is if they know who they really are?  

This series of blogs will outline who we really are by starting with who we are not.  By removing who we are not, and then seeing how the foundation of the Sense of Self is grown in childhood, we get a clearer understanding of not only who we are, but also a context for that, which speaks to what gives us purpose and meaning as well.

We are layered persons.  Any experienced or inherited trauma, any ego we have attached to who any mental construct of we might imagine ourselves to be, all contribute to a layered false sense of self about ourselves that we need to remove, to see ourselves more accurately.  We cannot know ourselves if we believe that we are someone whom we are not.  In order to fully know ourselves, our purpose and self-worth, we must first clear the layers within us that are false.  I call these false layers: “mind, ego, wounds”.   

WOUNDS

Let’s start with ‘wounds’.  Trauma, of any kind, can warp who we really are and cause wounds.  It can turn a trusting person into a fearful one.  It can turn a kind-hearted person into a cold-hearted, spiteful, narcissistic person.  Trauma has its origins outside of who we are as humans.  It is, literally, in-humane.  And it feeds upon itself and upon our goodness and can multiply and spread.  For instance, an unresolved trauma that was personally experienced can create a personality disorder that becomes contagious in a family setting, infecting the whole constellation of that family system and everyone suffers, especially the original victim.  And trauma can be insidious, unhealthy and stealthy.  Trauma experienced by our ancestors generations ago can still be affecting us now, even without our awareness.  

Healing trauma is both about uncovering the trauma that is there, and then knowing how to heal it.  Sometimes, we are unaware that we are traumatised or that the personality traits that we carry are in fact not our true nature at all.  Sometimes we know that we have trauma but are unaware as to how it impacts our lives, exactly, so its impact remains vague, if menacing, and it’s easier to ‘bury’ the cause and effect of the trauma if we can, in order to await the time when we are possibly stronger or more able, or with better resources, to address what has happened to us.  Sometimes it is obvious to us that we have trauma, and we are aware of the origins of it and how it plays out in our lives.  In all of these cases, it is necessary to allow ourselves to be fully aware of any trauma, its origins, blindspots, impacts, and unconscious operative dynamics, and make them fully conscious.  

Once we are aware of exactly the trauma that we carry, then we need to know how it shows up in our lives and, therefore, how we show up in the world.  Knowing this helps us to unpack trauma’s impact and clear it.

Trauma splits our whole sense of self into little pieces, literally fragmenting the psyche, sometimes until we are disparate, scattered, isolated, lost.  A ‘scattered’ psyche shows up in our lives as us being ‘scattered’, having disjointed relationships, repeating wounding patterns, having discordant thoughts about who we are and how we ‘should’ be, etc.  In other words, a scattered psyche (through trauma) directly translates into our lives as a scattered sense of self; a self that has poor boundaries and is hard to know, nurture and protect.

We heal trauma the same way that we heal anything; with love.  Loving the individuated, scattered, parts of ourselves that have been traumatised in childhood is the fastest way to recover from ‘developmental’ (childhood) trauma and to make us ‘whole'.  Being whole means being able to show up in our relationships, in our personal goals, in life, in a more cohesive, authentic and honest way; honest in a way that is more in keeping with our true nature. 

Doing the healing work that reunites the fragmented parts of the psyche not only helps them to bond into a cohesive, whole and healthy Sense of Self, but also in so doing, facilitates a capacity for our need to belong to others, in relationships, community, etc.  This is ‘the work’.  So, while the work will soothe the fragmented parts of ourselves hurt in childhood, it also reveals the true, composite, cohesive, bedrock identity that is crucial for us to function well in the world. 

Once we understand and possess an authentic Sense of Self, we can love ourselves, know ourselves among others and give ourselves pristine boundaries.  Boundaries are essential healthy parameters for us to know ourselves within. If we have healthy boundaries, we can know and understand ourselves authentically.  That which we are, we can understand and love, and that which we know as separate from ‘other’, we can defend.  To know oneself and be separate from ‘other’ does not mean to have ‘power over’ another, but it is to protect the sacred Sense of Self from predation and harm. 

EGO

Which brings us to the ‘ego’.  We all need some semblance of ego to get us out of bed and showered in the morning, and an individuated Sense of Self in order to know and protect oneself.  Without ego, we are people-pleasers, merged among the many, often fearful or shy, triggered by who you think you ‘should’ be or ‘wish you could be’.  So, a semblance of ego is an important part of our true identity.  But when the ego is imbalanced, and differentiates us from others with a ‘power-over’ dynamic, then it becomes a toxic, false layer in our identity.  Similarly, when ego carries strong victim-energy in it, making us self-pitying and feeling inferior, this, too, is a false layer in our identity and must be cleared.  So, ego is essential but it must be in balance.  But how?  Solving this conundrum is a matter of valuing all beings equally.  Bob Dylan coined the solution to this in his song, ‘To Corona’; “You’re better than no-one and no-one is better than you”.  Owning the self and being ‘comfortable in our own skin’ says, “I matter, I am” and brings relief in the form of repose.  

MIND

And then, possibly most importantly, we come to the ‘mind’ as one of the main blocks to us knowing our true identity.  We mentally tell ourselves all sorts of false stories about who we are.  We are ‘stupid’, ‘unattractive’, ‘unworthy’.  We can ‘live in our heads’.  While these stories can be objectively dismissed, the (conscious and subconscious) mind can feed off unresolved wounds and invite in ego to join in making the whole charade feel ‘true’.  Fortunately, the mind is the least intelligent part of the human system, and can easily be challenged when we restrict its ‘airtime’ and instead turn to the body for the truth.  Asking the body, “am I stupid?”, “am I unattractive?”, “am I unworthy?”, is a much more fruitful exercise because the body will never lie to you.  An undisciplined mind will lie most of the time.  The body is in service to you and is divine, whereas the mind is not.  

Transcending and being free of our preoccupation with thought is what I call having ‘mental discipline’, which is where we control the mind, and it does not control us.  Mental discipline is essential in order to be free of low-grade awareness and the pervasive, often negative, stream of thought that Buddhists call ‘Monkey Mind’.  

Another way to understand mental discipline is to consider what it might mean to live in a state of ‘post-thought’.  Animals live in a state of ‘pre-thought’ in that, as far as we know, they do not ruminate or philosophise, whereas most humans live in a state of semi-constant ‘thinking’.  Transcending the state of constantly thinking, that is to move to a state of ‘post-thought’, is to subjugate the mind into being under the control and will of the person.  In practical terms, this might mean that that person has a lower number of ‘Monkey Mind’ thoughts but also that should those low-grade thoughts arise, they are not given the same merit that they might have otherwise been given.  For more information on Mental Discipline, see my blog on the subject, here. 

Aside from removing limiting beliefs about our identity, mental discipline also creates two extraordinary and profound benefits that would serve anyone on the ‘seeker’s path’.  Firstly, it removes the mental ‘clutter’ that prevents full presence; when the mind is stilled, presence emerges.  Presence is a required component for accessing the Source of life-force; without presence, we are stuck in the mind loops of ‘lower-mind thinking’. With presence we are fully engaged with the fabric of all life, which animates and informs us of our true divine identity.

Secondly, having transcended the need to think constantly, and having presence as a way of being, then are we able to access a state of ‘flow’.  ‘Flow’ is when we follow the natural rhythm of life to achieve our goals, rather than ‘thinking’ that we need to micromanage the parts of life to get what we ‘think’ we want or need. 

WHO I AM

Once we have cleared the false layers of the self, we can uncover who we truly are.  To do that, we ask ourselves; what is my true nature?  Often people are surprised, when they clear the false layers and probe into the essence of who they truly are, to discover that they are more kind, considerate, compassionate, generous, un-self-conscious, happy, open, vulnerable-in-a-good-way, understanding, loyal and accepting than they ever thought it possible to be.  In essence, these traits are human traits, our birthright, and are the core identifiers of what it means to be human. 

In the next blog we will look at how the Sense of Self that is forged in childhood comes to be and how we can work with these parts of ourselves to understand more about who we truly are and how that feeds into our purpose and what gives us meaning.